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| This beautiful doilies was hand stitched by Nolan's Nonna. |
I worked for the YMCA for many years and loved every minute of it. At this job, I was able to be creative, have fun and work with children. When I was 18 years old and thought of my future career, all I wanted to be was a mother. Because this was my dream, most every job I picked was with this purpose in mind. In each of these jobs, I'd study skills for my future children and get creative in doing so.
We lived in Atlanta for a quick few years. During these years we made a few friends, learned how to live in a city and turned a chapter in our lives with the pursuit of our dreams: Nolan's dream as a producer and sound engineer, and mine as a mother. We moved to Nashville right as our dreams started to transform into reality. Like I said, Atlanta was just a quick visit. It helped us get our feet wet when it came to living outside of Michigan and family. Once we moved to Nashville, we were sure we could make it on our own, bought a home and put our roots down.
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| I love our red door. |
I have come so far these last several years. My views and expectations have completely changed. For a very long time, I lived in a constant state of longing. All I ever knew was the desire to have a child and to be a mother. I wanted this so badly my body ached for it. Months...years...more years passed---the longing started penetrating and snuffing out my HOPE. I started to loose who I was...truly...my identity was wrapped up in my dream of motherhood. I would be on my knees screaming to God, asking why? Why did I have such a strong desire? What was I to do if being a mother was not the plan for me? I was so confused, I wanted so badly to be in His will...but wasn't I? Hadn't I been all along? I started doubting me, doubting my foundation and doubting Him. I craved so deeply to experience Gods' miracle of pregnancy. Every month I hoped for this. As time passed I became numb to this hope. It was a cold numb...an ache. I leaned on my husband unlike I have ever done before through these years. He truly helped me hold onto my hope, my desires, and me. So many times he got down on his knees to pray with me, pray for me and help me stand back up again.
I saw in black and white that I was to be a mother. This black and white picture that I saw had me with a big belly, happy as can be. However, God had a colorful picture waiting for me, that was there all along. I couldn't see this picture until I was ready and truly until His plan was ready to unfold.
One day my expectations changed, my plan changed and my heart changed. God has always had adoption written on my heart and His plan became my reality. I began to see in color again, life wasn't so gray.
It's not as if Nolan and I had not thought of adoption, even when we were dating we discussed this as a possibility. But a possibility is very different from a reality. I began to understand motherhood in new light and with that light came clarity. I had to be able to give up my desire for the miracle of conception, pregnancy and birth and except God's plan for my future. Motherhood took on so much more for me. I understand now that I am uniquely created in a way that I can love so deeply unconditionally; that my journey all along, through upbringing, work choices, friends, situations, have all been His creative plan. All these years I wasn't broken or on the wrong pursuit. I simply misunderstood that deep desire to be a mother with the reality that I have been a mother all along! I have had the privilege to work with more children in my lifetime---I can't even count or give a rough estimate how many. I have adored each of these children and loved them unconditionally as though they were my own. Those around me, friends, family, strangers...I show motherly qualities by being protective, giving advice, hugging/loving on, going out of my way to do things for...adoring and loving unconditionally. Motherhood is a gift and I believe I have it.
The last several years were hard for me mostly because I was unsure of our path, but this gray overcast time gave me a deeper understanding that I am able to love unconditionally. Regardless of a genetic connection to a child--I am able to love unconditionally. I believe that Gods' unique plan for Nolan and I experiencing adoption is the gift that I get to "carry" - in my heart. I long for this gift that He has for us. We WILL be parents! I have confidence knowing that Gods' gift is the perfect plan and our miracle!
