eye of the storm

Let me start off by saying that I hope each and every one of you had a very Merry Christmas!! I hope your Christmas season was filled with love, peace and joy.

I believe that Christmas is a time of reflection and rejoicing, the Son of God, our savior, born of the Virgin Mary, was swaddled and laid in a manger.  Jesus came to us as a sweet helpless baby. He stepped into darkness to bring light, hope and peace. I love that each year surrounded by loving family and friends I am able to reflect on this.

I don't know about y'all but my life has been absolutely crazy these last two months before 2014 comes to an end. We have had one crazy adventure after the next. November was a whirlwind with Nolan's tour ending and me traveling for work. As December began, we took on some home renovations in prep for our home study. By the way, our home study was fantastic. We laughed, Baxter made a new friend, we got everything organized and were able to show off our adored home. It was a success and we should have everything completed by the first of the year. Once our report is completed we can adopt anytime!!! Okay back to my crazy life rant: We had a short trip to Texas and then traveled to Michigan for the holiday. The first week of January is Danny and Jenny's big wedding that we are so excited for. One crazy adventure after another wonderful amazing crazy adventure has kept us very busy.

The reason I bring up our craziness, is because I have felt like things have been moving way too fast. It's been moving so fast that I have been unable to truly enjoy each and every adventure. They have each meshed into one colorful blur. I totally understand that we are in a beautiful season of change and expectation...BUT lately I have needed to constantly remind myself to breath and slow down. It's in stillness that I can reflect and send prayers of thanksgiving for each adventure.

I had a very interesting adventure happen to me earlier this month. For many months, I have had an overwhelming desire to slow myself down reflect and study my core belief in God. I have wanted to set aside time each day to journal and read/study. I have crazy cool ideas like this all the time but most ideas come to me hot and ready but fizzle out quickly. Things like, "I should work out each and everyday"...or "maybe I need to start running three miles, three times a week"...or "I should mop my floors twice a week"...or "I should make soup twice a week...okay maybe once a week". My point is that some of these things happen and become a habit, some I make a compromise with myself, and some I forget about the next day. But some tweak at my heart and I can't turn the light bulb off. Wanting to journal and study, setting aside time each day for quiet time, has been one of these thoughts. Okay now that the back story is set let me tell you about the adventure.

Nolan's beautiful Aunt Roberta passed December 7th. This news came suddenly and knocked the family to our knees. Nolan and I flew out to Texas the day after our home study to be with family. At the funeral I meet sweet Jeanne. She is an older woman, probably in her late seventies. I could see right away that she loved following Jesus and served the Church where Nolan's Aunt and Uncle attended. I knew through stories that she had taken Nolan's Aunt and Uncle under her wing and loved them very much. She hunched over when she walked, loved to hug everyone and had the most amazing crystal blue eyes...the kind that could see right through you and tug at your heart. Anyway, her and I got to talking and as she was hugging me she realized I was the niece who was in the midst of adoption. She hugged me tighter and whispered, "I have three adopted children and you are going to be an amazing mother...I can tell." Right then, I felt that tug on my heart as my hair follicles rose at the back of my neck and I hugged her tightly. She ended up coming to the dinner Uncle Al had planned for close family and friends at an Italian restaurant close by. As she walked in (arriving after everyone else) both our eyes locked and she smiled. As she walked behind me she plopped a book into my lap and kept on moving to go give Uncle Al a big hug and find a spot at his table. The title of the book: "My Life with Christ" Spiritual Meditations for the Modern Reader by Anthony J. Paone S.J. What a sweet gift from a sweet woman! I will probably never see her again. We might write however, as I did obey my mothers lesson and sent her a thank you note right away.

Here is the point of sharing this adventure with you: When I met Jeanne, my life was a crazy storm and I could hardly see straight. I felt like this moment...was the calm eye of my storm. It was a silent moment where everything instantly slowed down. I believe God has some things he wants me to mull over and organize in my big brain of mush. I believe he is wanting me to slow down and set aside time with him (just him) everyday. In my craziness, my prayer time becomes quick, as I fall asleep or non-existent. Its almost like life and its craziness has a way of drawing me away from my relationship with God. I have so many changes happening with me and in my life...I want to see God as the author of these things. I want to be able to see him and when life is crazy I sometimes I don't. I crave to be a woman like Jeanne. Someone who can see right into a person and allow God to work through her to help change peoples lives. Her hugs, words of encouragement, and gift was just what I needed in the time that I needed it. The book she plopped on my lap is now something that I hold in my hands. It's tangible and available. It's something I can choose to become dedicated to and I will. I plan to sit down with my journal and read through this book. Each day for the next 183 days, I plan to quietly read a short three paragraphs and maybe journal about how I feel about what I have read. I might even make myself a cup of tea. Most importantly, I will calm my heart...quiet my body and listen. Change is coming and I want to remember and enjoy every detail.

In Peace.

Let it begin...

Stacks of Paperwork

Paperwork is simply a part of the adoption process. The amount of information needed for this process is extensive and can truly be overwhelming both physically and emotionally.  Because we are working with Catholic Charities and Mercy Ministries we happen to have double the amount of paperwork...two stacks instead of one. 

Here are some tips on how I was able to navigate through our stacks of paperwork.

I have an overwhelming desire to organize things. This may be a blessing or a fault and I have yet to decipher which of the two. When it comes to our stacks of paperwork, being organized is very important. To keep myself organized I bought myself a handy portable file case.

 

My little traveling buddy

I like to color code things because it helps my mind easily decipher between important details. As you can see above I have orange and yellow file tabs...no reason behind the color choice other then it was the paper I had available when I was organizing my folders. The orange is associated with Mercy Ministries needs and the yellow references Catholic Charities.

I filed paperwork items based on things for myself to fill out and things Nolan needed fill out. I also filed based on finger prints, Doctors reports, reference letter requests, reading material, financials, fundraising and other topics. Lots of filing!

This little traveling buddy has come with us to all of our meetings with our counselor/agent and will be right by our side during our Homestudy visit. 

When I first started working through this paperwork work it was about five months ago. I remember being a little offended at first. I didn't like that we had to prove that we would be adequate parents. I felt like some of the requests asked a lot of us...blood work, finger prints, background checks. Its not that we have anything to hide...its just that if we were giving birth to a baby most of these things wouldn't need to be looked into. Why couldn't we just be like everyone else looking to start a family.

Thankfully I had years of experience licensing summer day camp programs and after school childcare facilities. With this experience I had stacks and stacks of paperwork as well. I put each and every one of my staff through rigorous interviews, background checks, fingerprinting and trainings. I had the children in my programs in mind when requesting this information from my staff. I wanted to make sure that anyone who worked for me was the best of the best...and they were. Because I had this experience it helped me to see our adoption stacks of paperwork from the perspective of Catholic Charities, Mercy Ministries and the State of Tennessee. They are looking out for the best interest of our future little blessing. They are wanting to find the best of the best...thankfully Nolan and I are just that :)

It has taken me about five months to fully complete our paperwork. Some of the items were more tedious then others (I'll save those details for another blog post). Its nice to look over at my completed paperwork and see that it is nicely organized and easily ready to display during our home study. Our home study is December 10th...only six days from now. I feel confident that we are ready and that our paperwork is completed the best it can be.

I ask now for thoughts and prayer as our home study date approaches. Please pray that we are able to relax and not get too anxious for and during this meeting. Please also pray that we have all of our paperwork completed and that we pass. We have an amazing counselor/agent and she is excited to come visit us and our home. Truly we are not nervous other then the fact that a home study is one of the final steps in the adoption process.

I'll update you on how it goes and talk to you more about what the home study was like and tips to make a home study a good experience.

let it begin

Nicole

National Adoption Awareness Month

 
This video features four woman who have worked with Mercy Ministries. 
Read below for more details as to why this is important to us. 
Francesca Battistelli - He Knows My Name (Official Video)

Do you know that the month of November is National Adoption Awareness Month!!

I'm excited to celebrate Adoption throughout the month by helping to bring awareness to adoption. National Adoption Awareness Month was created to help bring awareness to the Foster Care system. There are tens of thousands of children Nationally hoping for a permanent family.
The theme changes each year regarding a topic to highlight and this year the topic is "Promoting and Supporting Sibling Connections".
I found lots of wonderful information and resources on this website:
https://www.childwelfare.gov/adoption/nam/about/promoting.cfm

We are choosing to take part in a Domestic Adoption. With a Domestic Adoption we hope to be placed with a U.S. born infant by their birth parents, who choose an adoptive family (us) and legally consent to an adoption.

We are working with an Agency. Our agency will support, give resources, do our homestudy and helping to find interested parties. They will walk us through the entire experience.
Our Agency is Catholic Charities: www.cctenn.org

We are also working with Mercy Ministries. We absolutely fell in love with the mission behind Mercy. They have several homes across the country each supported solely by donations. Young girls and woman who are seeking freedom from tough issues, are able to find safety within these homes for a period of time.
Here is a video to watch. It features four woman who have experienced Mercy Ministries; they each tell their story.

Nolan and I are so incredibly excited for the path we are on. We are not sure of our end outcome but are so thankful to be able to Celebrate Adoption along the way. Please join us in Celebrating Adoption this month: I'll be continuing to ask questions, educating myself on proper lingo and preparation, sharing our story and talking about adoption. You can join me in these things as well.

Let it begin



 

The Gift of Creativity

We enjoy being creative with our home, It's a way that we are able to express ourselves. This space is filled with colorful hand sewn pillows, hand knit blankets, hand built furniture, along with many other unique family heirlooms.  Our home is a unique display of us. It makes us happy and we hope it makes guest feel welcomed and loved. It has been described once as something right out of a Wes Anderson film...and I'll take it!

This beautiful doilies was hand stitched by Nolan's Nonna.

It brings me joy to talk about our home---it's a reflection of us. My husband bleeds creativity. He can play most any instrument he decides on and can write a song in a snap. I on the other hand, only sing in the shower (for good reason) and can barely hold a guitar correctly, let alone get my fingers to work properly. What I can do is craft. I can paint, draw, sew, knit, cook...play...and in these things I can be creative. Creativity has truly gotten me through the last several years of my journey. Keeping my hands busy helps my mind relax. Being creative helps me to see Gods' beauty.

I worked for the YMCA for many years and loved every minute of it. At this job, I was able to be creative, have fun and work with children. When I was 18 years old and thought of my future career, all I wanted to be was a mother. Because this was my dream, most every job I picked was with this purpose in mind. In each of these jobs, I'd study skills for my future children and get creative in doing so.

We lived in Atlanta for a quick few years. During these years we made a few friends, learned how to live in a city and turned a chapter in our lives with the pursuit of our dreams: Nolan's dream as a producer and sound engineer, and mine as a mother. We moved to Nashville right as our dreams started to transform into reality. Like I said, Atlanta was just a quick visit. It helped us get our feet wet when it came to living outside of Michigan and family. Once we moved to Nashville, we were sure we could make it on our own, bought a home and put our roots down.

I love our red door.

Turning thirty was that magic number...the year I thought I should be a mom. I was so very sure then...I had a plan. Nolan and I got married when I was twenty seven, give us a few years to enjoy being married, then start a family. When I say it like this, it sounds like a perfect plan...right?! The thing is, my plans for life never quite work out the way I think they should. God had something completely different planned for me, but at thirty I just couldn't see it yet.

I have come so far these last several years. My views and expectations have completely changed. For a very long time, I lived in a constant state of longing. All I ever knew was the desire to have a child and to be a mother. I wanted this so badly my body ached for it.  Months...years...more years passed---the longing started penetrating and snuffing out my HOPE. I started to loose who I was...truly...my identity was wrapped up in my dream of motherhood. I would be on my knees screaming to God, asking why? Why did I have such a strong desire? What was I to do if being a mother was not the plan for me? I was so confused, I wanted so badly to be in His will...but wasn't I? Hadn't I been all along? I started doubting me, doubting my foundation and doubting Him. I craved so deeply to experience Gods' miracle of pregnancy. Every month I hoped for this. As time passed I became numb to this hope.  It was a cold numb...an ache.  I leaned on my husband unlike I have ever done before through these years. He truly helped me hold onto my hope, my desires, and me. So many times he got down on his knees to pray with me, pray for me and help me stand back up again.

I saw in black and white that I was to be a mother. This black and white picture that I saw had me with a big belly, happy as can be. However, God had a colorful picture waiting for me, that was there all along.  I couldn't see this picture until I was ready and truly until His plan was ready to unfold.

One day my expectations changed, my plan changed and my heart changed. God has always had adoption written on my heart and His plan became my reality. I began to see in color again, life wasn't so gray.

It's not as if Nolan and I had not thought of adoption, even when we were dating we discussed this as a possibility. But a possibility is very different from a reality. I began to understand motherhood in new light and with that light came clarity. I had to be able to give up my desire for the miracle of conception, pregnancy and birth and except God's plan for my future. Motherhood took on so much more for me. I understand now that I am uniquely created in a way that I can love so deeply unconditionally; that my journey all along, through upbringing, work choices, friends, situations, have all been His creative plan. All these years I wasn't broken or on the wrong pursuit. I simply misunderstood that deep desire to be a mother with the reality that I have been a mother all along! I have had the privilege to work with more children in my lifetime---I can't even count or give a rough estimate how many. I have adored each of these children and loved them unconditionally as though they were my own. Those around me, friends, family, strangers...I show motherly qualities by being protective, giving advice, hugging/loving on, going out of my way to do things for...adoring and loving unconditionally. Motherhood is a gift and I believe I have it.

The last several years were hard for me mostly because I was unsure of our path, but this gray overcast time gave me a deeper understanding that I am able to love unconditionally. Regardless of a genetic connection to a child--I am able to love unconditionally. I believe that Gods' unique plan for Nolan and I experiencing adoption is the gift that I get to "carry" - in my heart. I long for this gift that He has for us. We WILL be parents! I have confidence knowing that Gods' gift is the perfect plan and our miracle!

         

 
 

let it begin

     I started a blog a few years ago, it's name was "R red door" and only one post was actually written.  At that time I thought blogging would be an outlet to capture all my adventures and the perfect way to share stories with my far away family. I didn't keep up with it...obviously. My adventures weren't quite as exciting as I imagined, and who really would want to read about me. However, the idea of blogging is something I have once again come back around to. The vision for my new blog is to document one of the most exciting adventures of my life: Adoption.
                                I'm excited to write about this adventure and to share it with you.

    "Let it begin" is a short phrase I find myself saying over and over again. Let it begin. I type this in text messages to close friends and family, and think about this phrase quite often. It's my whisper. My prayer and my focus. It's my battle cry saying: I have Hope and I'm moving forward!!!                                              

                  If you are reading this, thank you for being a part of our adoption journey. 

                                                                    let it begin.